When a mother looks for a girlfriend on her son’s behalf, it may not sound so strange. But Lucy Baxter’s 21 year old son, Otto, has Down’s Syndrome. Lucy wants Otto to “live a fully rounded life” and to “enjoy the same experiences as other men his age.” Lucy has encouraged Otto to go to nightclubs to pick up women and, if Otto wants to, go to a brothel. Lucy hopes that Otto will have a healthy sex life, and even marry, and have children of his own.

The response to Lucy and Otto’s story was all over the map. Some readers thought Lucy was “sick,” “bizarre,” or “creepy.” Others wondered about the damage Lucy may be doing to Otto. Still others thought Lucy was doing the right thing in helping Otto find love and enjoy life. I leave it to the reader to form his or her own judgement about Lucy. But before you do, consider what Otto had to say: he said that he would like a girlfriend so that he can “have a shower together, wash her back and have a lazy day in bed. Also go to the cinema and things like that.”

This post is not about Lucy. Rather, this post aims to change public perception that it is abnormal for disabled people to want sex, companionship, and marriage. Disabled people who marry and have sex shouldn’t be a taboo topic. Sex and companionship are basic human needs. Individuals with different kinds of disabilities have such needs. Yet, the idea that someone with cerebral palsy or an intellectual disability cannot–or should not–date, marry, and/or have sex is very dated.

Perhaps because people in general are more used to the idea of physically disabled individuals dating and marrying, more people struggle with the idea of an intellectually challenged individual (like Down’s Syndrome) marrying and having sex. In a Frequently Asked Questions webpage on Sexuality and Intellectual Disabilities, the American Association on Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities writes:

“[A]ll individuals are sexual beings. Expressions of sexuality include, but are not limited to, socialization, activities of friendship, boundaries in relationships, body awareness, human connectedness, genital interactions, assertiveness, self image, self-care, decision making, and personal code of ethics.”

For specific information about issues of sexuality in Down’s Syndrome, see Dr. William Schwab’s interview and this study.

Regardless of the extent of one’s physical or intellectual impairments, the fact is that a great deal of people with disabilities want companionship and have sexual needs. And yes, many are married! A google search can turn up hundreds of stories about individuals with disabilities who marry.

Not too long ago, the San Francisco Chronicle recently ran a wonderful story about Kim Bazile and Noah Kessler who met 20 years ago and married in 2004. Both are developmentally disabled. Similarly, artist extraordinaire Dan Keplinger, otherwise known as “King Gimp” in that well-made 1999 documentary, has cerebral palsy and recently married. Back in 2005, the Wall Street Journal profiled Carrie Bergeron, a 29 year old New York woman with Down’s who married.

In June 2006, the Daily Mail (a U.K.-based newspaper) ran a long article about a Down’s couple. The romance between this particular couple is described in intimate detail and is quite amazing. (The reporter writes that they “share a love and devotion so raw that it is almost painful to watch. With their simple logic and searing honesty, they enjoy a relationship which perhaps every husband and wife should aspire to.”)

Isn’t it interesting that reporters and academics are beginning to recognize the things we can learn from about sex and marriage from people with disabilities? In fact, The Sunday Times recently ran a terrific story about what the disabled can teach us about sexual fulfillment.

Academics and practitioners at The National Sexuality Resource Center in San Francisco have been hard at work changing how the public thinks about disabled people and love and marriage. Their website is full of useful information and is a testament to their commitment to changing public perception. Additional professional and academic support may be found here.

In some countries, disabled people are prohibited from marrying. For example, in the country of Georgia, there is a law that prohibits some physically and mentally disabled persons to marry. That law is sorely outdated. Indeed, such laws should be invalidated because they violate basic human rights. It is hoped that in the future, everyone around the world will have a right to marry if they so choose, regardless of disability.

For the rest of the world where no such discriminatory laws exist, the internet has been boon for people with disabilities and finding love can be easier for many at such dating sites as Dating4Disabled.com, DisabledSinglesConnection, and LoveByrd, among countless others. The ways in which people with disabilities can find romance will increase as technology continues to develop. Many people with disabilities are reaching out not only to dating sites to find love and friendship, but also to other online communities, like Disaboom, where they can read articles (such as”Dating with a Disability: The Best Ways to Disclose Embarassing Sex Issues” and “Be A Sex Advocate For Your Sexual Health“) and ask other people with disabilities questions and advice about love, sex, and marriage.

Beautiful, isn’t it?

Happy Valentine’s Day.

© 2010 – 2011, Matthew Stoloff, Esq.. All rights reserved.

Related posts:

1. Deaf People are not Deaf to Justice

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